Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Thank you and shut up.
My mother has always, in my memory, been ticklish about compliments. It's not that her self concept is wanting...at least, not since I've known her. She's always been very well aware and accepting of herself, which, of course, has led her to be the same about others. She has a discerning mind, though, when it comes to understanding what other people say to her, thus, while she can be pleased with a compliment she believes is accurate, she dismisses lots of compliments if she determines them to have ulterior motives and/or to be thoughtless. Occasionally, this causes her to dismiss deserved, sincere and thoughtful compliments.
As children do, I learned her Complimentary Behavior, thus, for many years I also critiqued compliments I received, sometimes to the complimenter's face, if I thought it was necessary. It took me many years, but, finally, some years ago, I realized that spouting my critiques wasn't necessary...it was enough to appreciate that someone was trying to connect with me, for whatever reason, ignore the reason if I found it annoying, and simply respond, "Thank you," to every compliment.
A couple of days ago, while we were bathing Mom, I complimented her on her posture. It's been a little lagging, lately, as she's enduring a summer cold and what energy she can muster is quickly drained. It was a sincere, discerning compliment, but when my mother responded I detected a note of disbelief in her voice. Without thinking, I launched into a sermon about what I've noticed about her ability to accept compliments, which contained the observations I've written above. Then I assured her my compliment was sincere and reliable. I noticed that she was fidgeting and sensed that this was because my affrontery annoyed her. I ignored this, as I felt that she needed enlightenment (as though any 55 year old is capable of enlightening any 90 year old) and went on to instruct her in the "proper" way to receive all compliments. "Mom," I said, "this is the way to receive any compliment, suspect or not: Just say, 'Thank you,' and shut up." For practice, I followed this with a compliment (can't remember what I complimented, but I was careful to make sure it was a sincere, discerning compliment) and immediately prompted, "Now, what do you say?"
She shot me a wry glance over her shoulder (I was washing her back) and replied, "Thank you and shut up."
Well, what a time we've had with that since! Aside from provoking immediate, boisterous laughter, so hard that my mother peed standing up and I had to race to the other bathroom to keep from compounding her accident, we've been riffing off her reply ever since; recalling compliments where we'd wished we'd thought to respond like this...complimenting each other just to trigger the response...and we still haven't tired of the game!
Such a woman...this mother of mine!
Anyway, although I've been absent here, I want to mention something that's come as a surprise to me...I've been unusually and delightedly present at, you won't believe this, an online caregiver support community that I mentioned, here, some time ago: Daily Strength. If you're a regular reader, here, you know that I haven't had any luck to speak of with support groups, I tend to ignore them, and, while I recommended Daily Strength to others in a previous post, it was with reservations that I did so; and, as well, doubted that I'd become personally involved with the site.
Well, things have changed. Over the last couple of weeks, I've become intimately involved, made some excellent friends, even had fun participating. I'm not doing much with the journal facility, over there, but I'm having a wonderful time being an active part of the community over there. I'm astonished that someone like me has not only found acceptance within a caregiver support community, but has found myself accepting and enjoying one. I think some of my delight in the community has to do with the fact that it's online and doesn't require me to change Mom's and my schedule, bring in outside help and leave home for me to "attend meetings". There are other reasons, though. The chief one is that I accidentally stumbled across some bright, blunt, droll, interesting and interested people over there. Secondarily, although I never thought it would happen this quickly, I seem to be able to practice mentoring over there, which is bringing me a great deal of pleasure. I remember mentioning, some posts ago, that caregiver mentoring might be something I'd be interested in, but assumed that would be in the sweet by and by when my caregiving duties were finished. What seems to have happened, though, is that I've become involved in a community of developing caregiver mentors, who are practicing both sides of mentoring behavior...and I like that! As well, there are no rules to get in our way, such as "passing the talking stick" methods or paying attention to people on whom you don't really want to waste your attention. This suits my nature just fine. I can shoot my attention here, and then there, and then toward someone else, without having to split it...which is a relief for me. One of the reasons I don't do well in groups is that I'm not a natural attention splitter. The humor factor is huge, over there, too, which one might except, since the frustration level is also high. I've been delighted, as well, to find that the trading of information is rampant, multi-leveled and freely indulged. Finally, although this domain journal is little known over there, a few people are aware of it and it was actually these members who have been encouraging me, lately, to come back and start posting again.
So, I've learned, once again, never to say never, to anything, and I am filled with gratitude to my wonderful compatriots at Daily Strength for giving me the room and the encouragement to discover this. Just as no size really ever fits all, I'm sure this community is not for everyone...but it does fit me and I'm pleased that my curiosity and the welcoming atmosphere there kept me going back until I figured this out.
I have other things to write about...chiefly some interesting links to which I was introduced over there and some musing to do about some of the issues they raise, but I'll have to do that later. I've got a few minutes before I need to jump into action again and I want to get this read and published before Mom and I continue our day.
Later.
As children do, I learned her Complimentary Behavior, thus, for many years I also critiqued compliments I received, sometimes to the complimenter's face, if I thought it was necessary. It took me many years, but, finally, some years ago, I realized that spouting my critiques wasn't necessary...it was enough to appreciate that someone was trying to connect with me, for whatever reason, ignore the reason if I found it annoying, and simply respond, "Thank you," to every compliment.
A couple of days ago, while we were bathing Mom, I complimented her on her posture. It's been a little lagging, lately, as she's enduring a summer cold and what energy she can muster is quickly drained. It was a sincere, discerning compliment, but when my mother responded I detected a note of disbelief in her voice. Without thinking, I launched into a sermon about what I've noticed about her ability to accept compliments, which contained the observations I've written above. Then I assured her my compliment was sincere and reliable. I noticed that she was fidgeting and sensed that this was because my affrontery annoyed her. I ignored this, as I felt that she needed enlightenment (as though any 55 year old is capable of enlightening any 90 year old) and went on to instruct her in the "proper" way to receive all compliments. "Mom," I said, "this is the way to receive any compliment, suspect or not: Just say, 'Thank you,' and shut up." For practice, I followed this with a compliment (can't remember what I complimented, but I was careful to make sure it was a sincere, discerning compliment) and immediately prompted, "Now, what do you say?"
She shot me a wry glance over her shoulder (I was washing her back) and replied, "Thank you and shut up."
Well, what a time we've had with that since! Aside from provoking immediate, boisterous laughter, so hard that my mother peed standing up and I had to race to the other bathroom to keep from compounding her accident, we've been riffing off her reply ever since; recalling compliments where we'd wished we'd thought to respond like this...complimenting each other just to trigger the response...and we still haven't tired of the game!
Such a woman...this mother of mine!
Anyway, although I've been absent here, I want to mention something that's come as a surprise to me...I've been unusually and delightedly present at, you won't believe this, an online caregiver support community that I mentioned, here, some time ago: Daily Strength. If you're a regular reader, here, you know that I haven't had any luck to speak of with support groups, I tend to ignore them, and, while I recommended Daily Strength to others in a previous post, it was with reservations that I did so; and, as well, doubted that I'd become personally involved with the site.
Well, things have changed. Over the last couple of weeks, I've become intimately involved, made some excellent friends, even had fun participating. I'm not doing much with the journal facility, over there, but I'm having a wonderful time being an active part of the community over there. I'm astonished that someone like me has not only found acceptance within a caregiver support community, but has found myself accepting and enjoying one. I think some of my delight in the community has to do with the fact that it's online and doesn't require me to change Mom's and my schedule, bring in outside help and leave home for me to "attend meetings". There are other reasons, though. The chief one is that I accidentally stumbled across some bright, blunt, droll, interesting and interested people over there. Secondarily, although I never thought it would happen this quickly, I seem to be able to practice mentoring over there, which is bringing me a great deal of pleasure. I remember mentioning, some posts ago, that caregiver mentoring might be something I'd be interested in, but assumed that would be in the sweet by and by when my caregiving duties were finished. What seems to have happened, though, is that I've become involved in a community of developing caregiver mentors, who are practicing both sides of mentoring behavior...and I like that! As well, there are no rules to get in our way, such as "passing the talking stick" methods or paying attention to people on whom you don't really want to waste your attention. This suits my nature just fine. I can shoot my attention here, and then there, and then toward someone else, without having to split it...which is a relief for me. One of the reasons I don't do well in groups is that I'm not a natural attention splitter. The humor factor is huge, over there, too, which one might except, since the frustration level is also high. I've been delighted, as well, to find that the trading of information is rampant, multi-leveled and freely indulged. Finally, although this domain journal is little known over there, a few people are aware of it and it was actually these members who have been encouraging me, lately, to come back and start posting again.
So, I've learned, once again, never to say never, to anything, and I am filled with gratitude to my wonderful compatriots at Daily Strength for giving me the room and the encouragement to discover this. Just as no size really ever fits all, I'm sure this community is not for everyone...but it does fit me and I'm pleased that my curiosity and the welcoming atmosphere there kept me going back until I figured this out.
I have other things to write about...chiefly some interesting links to which I was introduced over there and some musing to do about some of the issues they raise, but I'll have to do that later. I've got a few minutes before I need to jump into action again and I want to get this read and published before Mom and I continue our day.
Later.
