Saturday, January 20, 2007
Seems I've been having a little trouble...
...getting back to actually recording, here, even though I've been here daily constructing the Alternate Label Index, which will eventually become the only Label Index. For the last few days I haven't paid attention to my reluctance to record, as it's not uncommon for me to take breaks for a variety of reasons. This morning, though, I realized that I am finally processing my grief over having managed to lose the rest of my family, even as my mother and I daily become more tightly bound as we accompany each other through her Ancient and my middle years.
The grief processing is certainly overdue. It's mixed, too, with grief over the realization that, regardless of my hand in the loss (and, I consider that I had a heavy hand in it), I haven't the emotional energy to try to patch what one of the physicians interviewed for the PBS production of Living Old referred to as the "rip" that is so common in the fabric of families of those with Ancient Ones who require intense needs care.
It's not unusual for me to take awhile to process the trash left by a series of emotional quakes. Funny thing is, in this case, I thought I'd processed the grief, I thought I'd been doing that, sporadically, for close to a year, but I guess all I'd done was become aware of items littering the landscape. The only aspect of this process of which I am sure is what triggered it: One of my sisters mentioned that she and her husband were beginning to make plans to visit us in April of this year. She mentioned that she remembered and understood, from last year, that this is the least felicitous time for us to receive a visit, but it's the best time for them. I silently, wearily, took note of the fact that I have a long way to go before I complete the the process of convincing my sisters that we are no longer "the flexible ones". When I looked to the horizon to see if I could glimpse the end of the road, I saw that it continued over the edge of the world...and I lost heart. Hmmmm..., I thought. Doesn't look like there's family anywhere along the section I can see. It's entirely possible that there isn't any family at the end, either. I may very well be on the wrong road, but I'm too tired to survey the terrain for a more likely route, so, at least for the time being, I'll keep trudging down this one. After all, if there is an alternate route that includes family, although it may become more distant as I continue traveling this one, it will not disappear. Maybe I'll be more inspired to search for it during one of my regular periods of revival.
Anyway, processing the grief seems to be making it difficult for me to record anything, including stats over at the Dailies.
I'm assuming I'll move past this particular bump in the road in fairly short order, as is typical of me. In the meantime, know that as far as Mom is concerned, she's doing fine, avoiding the cold outside. We finally had enough snow, yesterday, so that I awoke, this morning in the middle of this year's late arriving Christmas Card, although the sun has destroyed most of the "Christmas" part of the "Card", now. Other than the sudden spasms of deep grief that grip me every couple of hours, I'm doing fine; slow and confused, but essentially fine.
I'm planning a blood draw for this coming week, although not on Monday, since that's when everyone and their dog shows up at the lab for testing. I've made Mom's six-month appointment (March 22nd) with her PCP in Mesa. I expect it to be as routine as usual, with only one change in her medical routine: Boosting her lisinopril dosage from two 10 mg tablets per day to three, as this seems to be what now works for her. Her blood draw will tell me how her various physical parts are faring, but I expect it to indicate that all her Ancient conditions are remaining stable, since this is what observation is telling me.
Anyway, hmmm...later, I guess.
The grief processing is certainly overdue. It's mixed, too, with grief over the realization that, regardless of my hand in the loss (and, I consider that I had a heavy hand in it), I haven't the emotional energy to try to patch what one of the physicians interviewed for the PBS production of Living Old referred to as the "rip" that is so common in the fabric of families of those with Ancient Ones who require intense needs care.
It's not unusual for me to take awhile to process the trash left by a series of emotional quakes. Funny thing is, in this case, I thought I'd processed the grief, I thought I'd been doing that, sporadically, for close to a year, but I guess all I'd done was become aware of items littering the landscape. The only aspect of this process of which I am sure is what triggered it: One of my sisters mentioned that she and her husband were beginning to make plans to visit us in April of this year. She mentioned that she remembered and understood, from last year, that this is the least felicitous time for us to receive a visit, but it's the best time for them. I silently, wearily, took note of the fact that I have a long way to go before I complete the the process of convincing my sisters that we are no longer "the flexible ones". When I looked to the horizon to see if I could glimpse the end of the road, I saw that it continued over the edge of the world...and I lost heart. Hmmmm..., I thought. Doesn't look like there's family anywhere along the section I can see. It's entirely possible that there isn't any family at the end, either. I may very well be on the wrong road, but I'm too tired to survey the terrain for a more likely route, so, at least for the time being, I'll keep trudging down this one. After all, if there is an alternate route that includes family, although it may become more distant as I continue traveling this one, it will not disappear. Maybe I'll be more inspired to search for it during one of my regular periods of revival.
Anyway, processing the grief seems to be making it difficult for me to record anything, including stats over at the Dailies.
I'm assuming I'll move past this particular bump in the road in fairly short order, as is typical of me. In the meantime, know that as far as Mom is concerned, she's doing fine, avoiding the cold outside. We finally had enough snow, yesterday, so that I awoke, this morning in the middle of this year's late arriving Christmas Card, although the sun has destroyed most of the "Christmas" part of the "Card", now. Other than the sudden spasms of deep grief that grip me every couple of hours, I'm doing fine; slow and confused, but essentially fine.
I'm planning a blood draw for this coming week, although not on Monday, since that's when everyone and their dog shows up at the lab for testing. I've made Mom's six-month appointment (March 22nd) with her PCP in Mesa. I expect it to be as routine as usual, with only one change in her medical routine: Boosting her lisinopril dosage from two 10 mg tablets per day to three, as this seems to be what now works for her. Her blood draw will tell me how her various physical parts are faring, but I expect it to indicate that all her Ancient conditions are remaining stable, since this is what observation is telling me.
Anyway, hmmm...later, I guess.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
I purchased an unusual and extravagant bed ensemble...
...for Mom, yesterday. She's thrilled with it, and clearly giving it a work-out. I checked in on her at 1300 and she asked for another hour, then slipped her head beneath the luxurious quilt. I am in complete empathy. Nothing is quite so satisfying, if you enjoy sleep, than a well-appointed bed. Every time she entered her room yesterday, and, she enters it a fair amount looking for things that she never finds, she was delightedly distracted by the new bed ensemble.
Since it is usually necessary, when she leaks through at night (which is happening less rather than more, lately...which is nice), to wash all her bedding, including covers, this will remain only one of her ensembles, but I can already see that it will be good for pleasant conversation for some time to come, every time it appears on her bed. I love doing this!
Anyway, we're coming up on The Awakening Hour, so I'm gonna git, but I wanted to mention this. I'm just so tickled about it! Benevolent Being is, indeed, a hallmark of Ancienthood.
Since it is usually necessary, when she leaks through at night (which is happening less rather than more, lately...which is nice), to wash all her bedding, including covers, this will remain only one of her ensembles, but I can already see that it will be good for pleasant conversation for some time to come, every time it appears on her bed. I love doing this!
Anyway, we're coming up on The Awakening Hour, so I'm gonna git, but I wanted to mention this. I'm just so tickled about it! Benevolent Being is, indeed, a hallmark of Ancienthood.
I know, it looks like I'm making up for all that sleep...
...doesn't it?!? Could be. The other reason I'm up is that I re-"drew" the HTML for the Alternate Label Index and added comments to it as trackers so I can find my way around more easily as I input my old cataloguing system. It took me quite awhile to rewrite it, but once I finished and couldn't resist "trying it out". Runs like a dream.
I expect that eventually I'll combine the two indexes, since they catalogue different material. And, I have a feeling I'll be generating new entries in both systems, although, I have to say, my preference is for the Alternate Label Index. I think it's easier to find things there, and much easier to get a sense of what the main journal contains. I actually had some sense when I indexed my work, here, in preparation for a, well, hmmm...a sort of Table of Contents Index. As well, the items in the Entry column are targeted to the sentence where the pertinent material begins and will take you there, assuming that the target doesn't end up in the last paragraph or two of the archive. It has occurred to me to change the targets for those to which this happens to page anchored targets, rather than archive anchored targets. That'll come later, though. Much, I expect.
Yes, I took stats yesterday, just haven't entered them yet. No, I didn't take stats today, and, no, it wasn't another sleep day, in fact I've been going strong since 0600 this morning. Mom went strong from about 1300 to 0045 this morning.
Something I want to mention in the hopes I'll remember to elaborate: I'm noticing that I have apparently made a decision, sometime within the last couple of months, that I am going to allow my desires to direct our life substantially more, and with substantially more aforethought, than I have in the past 13 years. I can't tell you exactly what this will mean, except that I'm not going to stumble into "vacations" or "steal" them anymore, for one. I'm also not planning on neglecting Mom, nor have I changed my position on outside help. But, you know, it's been occurring to me over the last few months that the situation my mother and I have here is the conjoining of two people's lives; it is not a master-slave relationship in which the master and slave agree that all matters pertaining to the master's life trump all matters pertaining to the slave's life and the slave is, well, fundamentally alive at the behest of the master. In a way, I guess you could say, our life incorporates certain reversals of this scenario.
The days remain cold and bright. The cats remain warm and sweet (even the cat who isn't as sweet as we thought). The Mom remains, well, extraordinary, as always. I remain.
Later.
I expect that eventually I'll combine the two indexes, since they catalogue different material. And, I have a feeling I'll be generating new entries in both systems, although, I have to say, my preference is for the Alternate Label Index. I think it's easier to find things there, and much easier to get a sense of what the main journal contains. I actually had some sense when I indexed my work, here, in preparation for a, well, hmmm...a sort of Table of Contents Index. As well, the items in the Entry column are targeted to the sentence where the pertinent material begins and will take you there, assuming that the target doesn't end up in the last paragraph or two of the archive. It has occurred to me to change the targets for those to which this happens to page anchored targets, rather than archive anchored targets. That'll come later, though. Much, I expect.
Yes, I took stats yesterday, just haven't entered them yet. No, I didn't take stats today, and, no, it wasn't another sleep day, in fact I've been going strong since 0600 this morning. Mom went strong from about 1300 to 0045 this morning.
Something I want to mention in the hopes I'll remember to elaborate: I'm noticing that I have apparently made a decision, sometime within the last couple of months, that I am going to allow my desires to direct our life substantially more, and with substantially more aforethought, than I have in the past 13 years. I can't tell you exactly what this will mean, except that I'm not going to stumble into "vacations" or "steal" them anymore, for one. I'm also not planning on neglecting Mom, nor have I changed my position on outside help. But, you know, it's been occurring to me over the last few months that the situation my mother and I have here is the conjoining of two people's lives; it is not a master-slave relationship in which the master and slave agree that all matters pertaining to the master's life trump all matters pertaining to the slave's life and the slave is, well, fundamentally alive at the behest of the master. In a way, I guess you could say, our life incorporates certain reversals of this scenario.
The days remain cold and bright. The cats remain warm and sweet (even the cat who isn't as sweet as we thought). The Mom remains, well, extraordinary, as always. I remain.
Later.
Monday, January 15, 2007
I should probably make an official announcement:
To those of you who receive me by feed, I have begun inserting the markers for the alternate label index. Thus, I publish, now, well, hmmm...probably 20 times a day, if not more? You might consider taking me off feed. It's a fairly safe bet that if I miss a present day of posting, I'll mention it in arrears and a long absence will probably be announced ahead of time.
Although the indexing/labeling/whatever you want to call it, is going swimmingly, especially since, right after I started, [No Longer Beta] Blogger updated their old Blogger servers, which helped me tremendously, since, being an ftp client, I'm being served by the old servers; whew...are you following me? Thus, publication time is cut in half.
As it turns out, too, I was much more judicious in the old system. The fact that I ended up with somewhere between one and two thousand targets has more to do, I'm discovering, with amount of material than cataloguing technique. For me, as it turns out, I was very spare and direct. As I go, I may convert the current label index to the old one. I don't know. There are, as I mentioned well over a thousand targets to input.
I don't have to read each post, though, which is nice. All I have to do is search for the html indicating indexing targets. I can see where a one page index may soon become unwieldy, as well, so, as I go, I may separate that index into split alphabet sections.
I don't know why I have an affinity for elaborate cataloguing systems, even of my own work. I guess I inherited an active nerd gene from someone, although I can't think who. I think MCS inherited it. Come to think of it, Mom's dead brother may have been a nerd; a troubled nerd, but a nerd, nonetheless, considering that he taught himself anesthesiology, backed by a doctorate of Pharmaceutical Sciences degree. Was Dad a nerd? No. He was a clean means to a clean end kind of guy. Mom certainly isn't a nerd. She likes repetitious, mildly stimulating mental play, though.
Bizarre Confession: Mom and I slept almost all day yesterday. It started when, maybe an hour or so before I "should" have gotten Mom up, I decided to bask in the living room sun; once again sure that I'd be up by 1400. Well, I probably was, at some point, up at 1400. However, a luxurious, rocking ocean of sleep overtook me. It would start, each spasm, that is, with me warming in the sun and thinking about Guam, where it was not uncommon for me to sun myself someplace in the boonies or even in one of our yards, observe the clouds, let my thoughts drift and fall asleep. Thus, I fell back into sleep several times yesterday afternoon through yesterday evening. Apparently, my mother slept right through. We both awoke, finally, at 1800, almost on the nose. I'll enter those stats I remember over at the stat site. Mom got a varied set of pills in, not her complete second set. We got in a hearty breakfast. Food was eaten, later, but no formal meals. I, frankly, can't remember what was eaten, later. All chores, our entire day, started at 1800 yesterday.
I'm a little uncomfortable about this, of course, considering that I'm the one who's been leading the frequent marches into sleep. Wonderful sleep, I have to admit, but possibly debilitating, for Mom, at least. She's enjoying it, of course.
Yesterday Mom did not have a nap, obviously. Never even asked about one. No stats either, of course. She remained up through the first half of the second showing of last night's episode of The L Word. So far, neither of us is particularly taken with this season, despite the promise. The "Papi" story is a little lame, and I'm afraid it's going to add a bum leg to the "Shane" story. Mom said, last night, "Not as much sex."
"Are you sorry about that?" I teased.
I don't think she heard me, because she nodded as she barely glanced at me. I noticed there was a naked breast on the screen. Maybe she did hear me.
We're still watching, but we're hoping for better and looking forward to the new season of Big Love and the premiere of The Tudors. Face it. We're slick trash junkies.
We both forgot about rubbing down her legs until she was in the bathroom. She wasn't interested.
I'm aware that my sleeping, which is pushing her sleeping quotient high than usual, may be debilitating for her. I'm not sure what to do about it. It's as though I have this sleeping sickness. Of course, when I analyzed what images I used to drift back into sleep, I realized they are all escapist images.
Guess I'd better work on getting myself together, here. There's stuff to do, places to go, people to see...
Not sure about today, though. Obviously, at this point, we're pushing on toward 1500. I was up much earlier today, have had a pleasant, quiet, relaxed, productive period. Hmmm...I guess the rules will be two: Awaken Mom at 1500 if she hasn't already awakened; NO NAPS FOR THE CAREGIVER!"
I probably should have done a few errands this morning, but I didn't, willfully, and we'll do fine without them.
Luckily, I don't feel like a nap, today.
later.
Although the indexing/labeling/whatever you want to call it, is going swimmingly, especially since, right after I started, [No Longer Beta] Blogger updated their old Blogger servers, which helped me tremendously, since, being an ftp client, I'm being served by the old servers; whew...are you following me? Thus, publication time is cut in half.
As it turns out, too, I was much more judicious in the old system. The fact that I ended up with somewhere between one and two thousand targets has more to do, I'm discovering, with amount of material than cataloguing technique. For me, as it turns out, I was very spare and direct. As I go, I may convert the current label index to the old one. I don't know. There are, as I mentioned well over a thousand targets to input.
I don't have to read each post, though, which is nice. All I have to do is search for the html indicating indexing targets. I can see where a one page index may soon become unwieldy, as well, so, as I go, I may separate that index into split alphabet sections.
I don't know why I have an affinity for elaborate cataloguing systems, even of my own work. I guess I inherited an active nerd gene from someone, although I can't think who. I think MCS inherited it. Come to think of it, Mom's dead brother may have been a nerd; a troubled nerd, but a nerd, nonetheless, considering that he taught himself anesthesiology, backed by a doctorate of Pharmaceutical Sciences degree. Was Dad a nerd? No. He was a clean means to a clean end kind of guy. Mom certainly isn't a nerd. She likes repetitious, mildly stimulating mental play, though.
Bizarre Confession: Mom and I slept almost all day yesterday. It started when, maybe an hour or so before I "should" have gotten Mom up, I decided to bask in the living room sun; once again sure that I'd be up by 1400. Well, I probably was, at some point, up at 1400. However, a luxurious, rocking ocean of sleep overtook me. It would start, each spasm, that is, with me warming in the sun and thinking about Guam, where it was not uncommon for me to sun myself someplace in the boonies or even in one of our yards, observe the clouds, let my thoughts drift and fall asleep. Thus, I fell back into sleep several times yesterday afternoon through yesterday evening. Apparently, my mother slept right through. We both awoke, finally, at 1800, almost on the nose. I'll enter those stats I remember over at the stat site. Mom got a varied set of pills in, not her complete second set. We got in a hearty breakfast. Food was eaten, later, but no formal meals. I, frankly, can't remember what was eaten, later. All chores, our entire day, started at 1800 yesterday.
I'm a little uncomfortable about this, of course, considering that I'm the one who's been leading the frequent marches into sleep. Wonderful sleep, I have to admit, but possibly debilitating, for Mom, at least. She's enjoying it, of course.
Yesterday Mom did not have a nap, obviously. Never even asked about one. No stats either, of course. She remained up through the first half of the second showing of last night's episode of The L Word. So far, neither of us is particularly taken with this season, despite the promise. The "Papi" story is a little lame, and I'm afraid it's going to add a bum leg to the "Shane" story. Mom said, last night, "Not as much sex."
"Are you sorry about that?" I teased.
I don't think she heard me, because she nodded as she barely glanced at me. I noticed there was a naked breast on the screen. Maybe she did hear me.
We're still watching, but we're hoping for better and looking forward to the new season of Big Love and the premiere of The Tudors. Face it. We're slick trash junkies.
We both forgot about rubbing down her legs until she was in the bathroom. She wasn't interested.
I'm aware that my sleeping, which is pushing her sleeping quotient high than usual, may be debilitating for her. I'm not sure what to do about it. It's as though I have this sleeping sickness. Of course, when I analyzed what images I used to drift back into sleep, I realized they are all escapist images.
Guess I'd better work on getting myself together, here. There's stuff to do, places to go, people to see...
Not sure about today, though. Obviously, at this point, we're pushing on toward 1500. I was up much earlier today, have had a pleasant, quiet, relaxed, productive period. Hmmm...I guess the rules will be two: Awaken Mom at 1500 if she hasn't already awakened; NO NAPS FOR THE CAREGIVER!"
I probably should have done a few errands this morning, but I didn't, willfully, and we'll do fine without them.
Luckily, I don't feel like a nap, today.
later.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
There's a two day old bottle of stat ketchup...
...being served over at The Dailies which is a little more personal than is usual, over there, in case you're interested in what's been going on.
If not, well, here's the rundown:
Later.
If not, well, here's the rundown:
- No stats taken last few days;
- Both of us have been lazy, lazy, lazy. I've been taking naps. Amazing.
- Lots of baking, though. More to go today and, probably, tomorrow.
- Both of us in relatively good moods. Funny how that happens when I don't take stats and don't plan meals around stats.
- Day before yesterday and yesterday were, primarily, movie days, provided either by television channels or our collection. Most musicals, but we caught a few favorites on TV, as well. Mom, of course, saw them as if they were new.
- Day before yesterday, I approached her, yet again, starting in the morning, about "trying out" the Paint by Number kits that MFS sent, what I thought was a brilliant idea. We've taken everything out of the kits and looked at it. I've found a sturdy, metal, old school document holder that serves well as an easel. It seems either her TV table or the dinette will work well, from the point of view of light and comfort. Day before yesterday when I brought up the subject of painting while holding up the kit upon which she had decided to start, the butterfly picture, she appeared to be delighted that I'd reminded her and assured me we'd do that "after breakfast". She has a little trouble seeing the numbers, by the way, but not the lines, even though those are light. At any rate, she mentioned, herself, that she could follow the picture on the package, and it is certainly a large enough guide for her. The paints are bright, too, and well delineated, although in very small containers.
The upshot is, though, that each time, day before yesterday, that I hopefully brought up painting again, more than usual, she found some gracious reason to decline. I'm not sure why. I haven't given up. Perhaps there are paint by numbers that are easier on old eyes and minds.
I'm neither surprised nor mollified. I had no idea how she'd react to these, but was initially fired by what I thought was the brilliance of the idea. I still think it is a brilliant idea. I just wonder if Mom is beyond it. We'll see, I'm sure.
Later.
