Monday, January 8, 2007
For a full description of yesterday...
...which I am beginning to think of as "The Lost Day", although we were both fully present, just offline much of the time, see here, which is linked to the above mentioned full description. What a day. Lots of sleep. Little food, few medications, both of us lolling about...
On days like this, I cannot help but think how much I may be "hurting" my mother by being so inner directed that I will let her sleep her fill, let her laze around, do this for days, which I call my "vacation"...at least I expect this to affect her, weaken her, and my "fears" (although it would be hard to say that I am "afraid" of this) are usually realized. Sometimes she bounces back. Sometimes she doesn't. I'm sure my mother considered yesterday a wonderful day...bracketed, as it was, by sleep and leisure and delectable stuff on TV. And, yet, maybe my powers of observation were over zealous but, as she shuffled to the bathroom, was I noticing that she was even less sure of herself than before?
I don't know. It is at times like these, when I force a self-vacation upon us, that I think about caregiving in terms of resources...the amount of social resources needed to allow old age, how, in our current economic system, there appears to be little "pay back" for this increased need of resources, all of us are becoming tired of and cynical about the character pay-offs, and, here I am, during a period in which I am bereft, again, for some days, of the resources needed to keep my mother awake, let alone moving; I've not been encouraging the sociality of the season, I've been giving in to her lethargy because of my need for some personal distance and self-attention...and how this need for replenishment of my resources implies, at this time, that her resource, me, will be diminished for awhile.
I realized, yesterday, that I think she knows this. I think she also accepts this, because I think her preference, now, really, is for as little movement as possible, as much alertness as possible, granting still, the ability to indulge in what has become her Amazingly Active Ancient Sleep...so real it is now a cornerstone of her reality (and, I suppose, mine, too).
So, I am thinking about this, now, because I, too, am an "Elderly Failure to Thrive" sinner, and I see that the problem isn't mostly personal.
I am not, by the way, checking others' sites with any regularity. I expect to have to catch up sometime soon. I am, as I mention at the above attached link, reading something that I want to read, an introductory book to economics. It's riveting. It's pulling me away from my usual reading allocations.
Well, hmmm...it's just after noon, 1207, to be exact.
Not sure what I'll do next. I'm in vacation mode, still...muffled, but continuing...
...later.
On days like this, I cannot help but think how much I may be "hurting" my mother by being so inner directed that I will let her sleep her fill, let her laze around, do this for days, which I call my "vacation"...at least I expect this to affect her, weaken her, and my "fears" (although it would be hard to say that I am "afraid" of this) are usually realized. Sometimes she bounces back. Sometimes she doesn't. I'm sure my mother considered yesterday a wonderful day...bracketed, as it was, by sleep and leisure and delectable stuff on TV. And, yet, maybe my powers of observation were over zealous but, as she shuffled to the bathroom, was I noticing that she was even less sure of herself than before?
I don't know. It is at times like these, when I force a self-vacation upon us, that I think about caregiving in terms of resources...the amount of social resources needed to allow old age, how, in our current economic system, there appears to be little "pay back" for this increased need of resources, all of us are becoming tired of and cynical about the character pay-offs, and, here I am, during a period in which I am bereft, again, for some days, of the resources needed to keep my mother awake, let alone moving; I've not been encouraging the sociality of the season, I've been giving in to her lethargy because of my need for some personal distance and self-attention...and how this need for replenishment of my resources implies, at this time, that her resource, me, will be diminished for awhile.
I realized, yesterday, that I think she knows this. I think she also accepts this, because I think her preference, now, really, is for as little movement as possible, as much alertness as possible, granting still, the ability to indulge in what has become her Amazingly Active Ancient Sleep...so real it is now a cornerstone of her reality (and, I suppose, mine, too).
So, I am thinking about this, now, because I, too, am an "Elderly Failure to Thrive" sinner, and I see that the problem isn't mostly personal.
I am not, by the way, checking others' sites with any regularity. I expect to have to catch up sometime soon. I am, as I mention at the above attached link, reading something that I want to read, an introductory book to economics. It's riveting. It's pulling me away from my usual reading allocations.
Well, hmmm...it's just after noon, 1207, to be exact.
Not sure what I'll do next. I'm in vacation mode, still...muffled, but continuing...
...later.
