Mom & Me Five Archive

...as many as I can get in. That's why I'm up so early, despite going to bed early this morning. I can't remember how much these evaporative coolers cost. I'm hoping they will still carry them at Costco, which is where we purchased the original. They are designed to cool "300 sq ft". When aimed down a hall and pulling air from a shady back yard, coupled with a window a/c in the living room, they are incredibly efficient. However, this recent repair, which can be done at home and requires a cheap part, shows me that having two would not be out of the way. When both are working, we might be more comfortable, on dry hot days, using evaporative cooling from both ends of the house, and it would cut our energy bill. In the meantime, before getting the part, the pump is lagging, but the house is remaining comfortable.
    Reading Mothering Mother has evoked an awareness of (shared) history regarding my life with my mother. I wince, now, at certain vignettes when I realize that Carol spent only a fraction of her mother's last years with her. I think this length of time, alone, accounts for a difference in our perspectives. As well, I haven't yet noted more than one comment about menopause, and that was reference to a specific hot foot symptom. In retrospect, I believe my own journey through menopause had a huge effect on how my journey with my mother has gone. Once that was fairly well under control, lots of stuff evened out. Had my journey with my mother, though, ended while I was peri-menopausal but unaware of it, I might not have this retro-perspective. It is ironic to me that my mother's and maternal grandmother's menopause-s [Hmmm...is that correct?] were barely notable and less mentioned. My mother, now, believes she has not yet gone through menopause and finds it astonishing that I am on the (much relieved) other end. Before menopause began I somehow had the notion that my experience would follow in my mother's footsteps. It did not. My father's genetics came through, to which I owe more than half a share. Family history on that side tells tales of extremely trying symptom-filled years, including at least one stay for one relative in the state looney bin. Further, mania during this period is common. Although it took me awhile to realize it, it was imperative to the quality of our shared journey that I control my menopause. So, I did. Almost successfully. The St. John's Wort, I think is the final brush up while I'm weaning myself off Black Cohosh. Those little herbs have been a godsend for me. I further believe that many caregivers, caught up awares or unawares in a peri-menopausal stage, think that caregiving to an elderly relative is causing stresses that are actually caused by hormonal fluctuations.
    I love being on the other side of menopause and knowing my mother as intimately as I do. This is one of the peculiarities and blessings of our situation: That she called me into it early in her elder years, so I was there through everything. I'm getting the sense from other writing caregivers that it's much easier to live with it all when you get it as a part of an already balanced, mutually kind, resourceful, long actively nurturing relationship. However, I understand, absolutely, how that could be hard to do with someone with whom one has been locked in an early domineering, abusive relationship. I am occasionally popping in on a fascinating story at Daily Strength of a woman who is caring for her mother-in-law who is sociopathic, always has been, probably always will be, and hates her daughter-in-law. Her's is a perplexing story. She's found the necessity for developing a highly evolved detachment to the situation, with the help of therapy sessions. I highly suspect this situation will be resolved through moving the MIL into a facility. It's a volatile one, all right! In the meantime, every time I read a new journal entry about her situation, I am reminded of "Caine" in the Kung Fu series and am prompted to think, "You, SunshineShady, no longah grasshoppah..."
    Relationships. It seems to boil down to relationships. I mentioned this to a very good, very long term friend of mine here in Prescott. She has six (I think) children. She and I were talking, one afternoon, about caregiving, in general. She and her husband moved her mother into their home for the last years of her life. The conversational turn began when I mentioned something about making sure to get my mother's tabloids.
    Nervous laughter from my friend. "My mother always wanted me to get her some of those. I never did. I used to tell her they were silly and she was above them."
    I laughed. "Boy, I'd never get in the house with that attitude!"
    Her voice softened. "That's the one thing I regret," she said, "not letting her have her magazines. It was so petty of me."
    That's when we started talking about the influence of relationships on child-parent caregiving. I mused to her that, although my survey is by no means scientific, I'm noticing that the quality of the fundamental relationship between the two (or more) people involved and its level of perceived intransigence probably accounts a lot for the quality of the caregiving. "I've noticed," I said, "that the more contentious and distant is one's relationship with one's parent, the more unresolved issues between the two, the more likely the parent is going to spend some time, always at the end of life, in a facility."
    My friend expressed interest. "Maybe I ought to address the subject of relationships with my children, see if there are any unresolved issues or feelings and see if we can't resolve them."
    I've since thought this is one of the most open-minded approaches to the possible need for "Ancient One" care and the desire to receive it "within the bosom of family". Good idea to see if your family is interested and, if ambivalent, why so. I'm not sure I would have the courage to do such a thing.
    I've since asked her about her progress. Although she is not forthcoming with details, she tells me, "...it's been interesting..." and "...nothing that's surprised me, so far..."
    This seems optimistic.
    My mother and I never did this. Never thought of it. We did, however, remain in unusually close touch throughout my adult life, shared interests and reveled in each other's adventures. We even had some adventures of our own. I'm sure we had "issues", but, because we kept up communication, they ironed themselves out, mostly. There were a few that needed work after we took up housekeeping together: One in particular, involved her mild tendency to belittle people socially, primarily those to whom she is closest. I confronted her on it, but she was less demented, then, and we are used to correcting one other's relationship foibles, usually immediately. This is a relationship that is built up over time...as is a destructive sociopathic relationship, or a vaguely abusive (relative to the time), tyrannical parent-child relationship history. So, I've discovered, are smaller relationship sins, like an inability to drop manipulative behavior; the inability to believe in the dynamics of relationship.
    It's hard. I guess I should hit the trail. I'd better make a list.
    Later.