Saturday, June 23, 2007
Mothering Mother - Part 2
 | Carol D. O'Dell Author, Mothering Mother Kunati Publishing April 2007 release ISBN-13: 978-1-60164-003-1 Carol O'Dell dot com |
She had an ice cream bar last night [Carol O'Dell's mother, by the way, was an ice cream bar addict, too, with a sweet tooth comparable to my mother's], so I imagine she's a bit sugary this morning, although we haven't yet reached the 12 hour sleep mark. I'll check in on her again at 1400.
"The wife, the mother, the son, whoever they were, were probably not writers; that was not their calling. They were not asked to do this task." --3rd para, pg 62
There are many, most, probably, caregivers who are also not called to the task of recording their lives. Thus, I am always grateful for someone who is compelled to do so, as, believe me, it takes compulsion to continue to think and write about intense needs caregiving. My reluctance to read caregiving books has nothing to do with any innate unworthiness with which I view them. It's practical, see: If I have time and the "space" to read, I don't usually want to be reading about caregiving (although sometimes I want to read about aging and medicine).
"Caregivers" --pg 62
It is always a treat to read a thoughtful, articulate writer's take on caregiving. O'Dell's is not to be missed. If you're not inclined to read the entire book, look up the passage while browsing at the bookstore or library.
Throughout --the entire book
I marked the passage of time, possible actual years, actual ages, etc. So far, without review, I think I've deduced:
- That O'Dell's mother was with them for about two years.
- The mother ranged in age from late 80's to early 90's.
- O'Dell traversed her late 30's through her early 40's.
- The years are the early 21st century.
- Her mother had been vaguely incapacitated living on her own and had needed much attention in all areas of her life prior to the O'Dell's embracing her as immediate family.
- Her mother seemed to be in fairly late stage everything when they combined lives. She also seemed to share anemia (probably iron deficiency) with my mother; possibly CRF; doesn't sound like she's diabetic, though.
- The daughter reluctantly becomes medical advocate on mother's behalf...with an ornery attitude similar to mine. I was especially keen on, and surprised by her descriptions of and rumination on hospice care: Detailed in Part IV.
My mother's veins also roll with age. I prostrate myself before techs who are experienced with experienced veins.
"...but there are so many things no one can do but me." --last para, pg 80
Thank you, Ms. O'Dell, for confirming this, underlining it with convictive illustrations. Sorry, well-meaning caregiver counselors, but there is a time for related hands on care, and when that time arrives, it is necessary and to be respected.
"Shirley" --pg 81-83
Especially the following: I enjoy her company, which is quite a compliment since lately most people irritate me.. --pg 83
I find the same thing. I am always pleasantly surprised when I find myself appreciating someone's company. I also had an experienced geriatric FNP toward whom I had such feelings. Her manner continues to exert influence over my approach to my mother.
"...but some days I need her to be in it." --3rd para, pg 93
The utility of equipment assist is often judged on the caregiver's, not the care recipient's needs. In the end, my decisions about this can be trusted to be for the greater good.
"She keeps trying to find the other me." --last para, pg 96
My mother isn't doing this. Yet. She is completely comfortable and flexible with whomever she considers me on any particular day. I've even found that I don't necessarily have to be consciously aware of who I am to her in order to "play along", if it seems provocative to do so.
"Fantasies" --pg 98
Every writer-caregiver I know has rich fantasy lives, both awake and asleep. I sometimes wonder if this is an unconscious attempt to make up for social deprivation, except that I have a very high tolerance, some would even call it a preference, for social deprivation.
"Mother needs containing." --4th para, pg 99
Astute observation. Perhaps this is part of the problem with the nursing home industry. It can barely offer unobtrusive, familiar containment.
In any case, O'Dell's experience highlights the need for advanced, compassionate, comfortable containment.
"I'll tell them Mother's failing to thrive." --1st para, pg 100
Blatant reminder that I still need to finish a post on "failing to thrive".
"Well Enough" --pg 102
A wise vignette about quality caregiving.
"First Fears" --pg 108
This vignette reminded me that I once considered that the display of Alzheimer's-like symptoms might be related to character and personality, and real, though confused, perceptions of past treatment. My maternal grandmother and my Aunt Jean were worry worts. My mother never has been. Perhaps her lack of worry somehow prevents her dementia from accomplishing certain depths.
As well, my mother never had aggressive, defensive feelings toward any of us that she didn't immediately expel. My maternal aunt had a past of resentment toward, well, who knows what but definitely discharged toward her husband, the only person with whom she became dementedly violent. My maternal grandmother would become super charged, especially in her own homes, but never escalated to violence, even though she ended up in a fetal position before she died, so she was pretty far gone. My mother has never exhibited violence, or much agitation, for that matter, in her demented state.
"I've been ignoring Mother though my care has not decreased." --3rd para, pg 109
This is the first sentence of a vignette entitled "Happiness". How appropriate.
"I won't. You won't let me go home. Mother's expecting me!" --5th para, pg 113
My maternal grandmother and aunt experienced this "go" and "mother" syndrome. My mother has a much less stubborn version of it wherein I am sometimes "mother" (although I'm never sure whose mother I am), and we are always expecting "them".
"I understand why people recoil from the elderly...but for now, I allow this world of my mother to define me." --pg 115-116
Says it all.
"Empty Beds" --pg 120
My mother sometimes insists that I slept with her "last night". I always assure her I would never sleep with her, although I have slept in her room, which is hard enough. Her temperature preference is in direct contrast to mine and, usually, when I am sleeping in her room, it's because she's having temporary trouble getting around and I want to be alerted when she moves. I've found, though, that I become so exhausted during these periods that I often sleep through her stepping over me, which is dangerous, in itself.
At any rate, my inability to actually sleep with my mother in the same bed feels more like an intrusion of my privacy than hers. She is not, thank the gods, adamant about it.
After Carol bathes her mother: "I can never thank you enough," she says, nodding off to sleep before I pull the cover all the way up." --7th para, pg 130
The one time my mother has been moved to thank me, in what seemed like an eerily all-encompassing way, for what I do for her, was, also, right after a bath. The intimacy, I think. I think it expands one's outlook and makes us, even the demented among us, aware of the web of relationships within which, and by which, we exist.
"I'm not mad at him. Yes I am. I'm mad at everyone." --2nd para, pg 133
So am I.
"I go back to the kitchen and lift the chicken pieces out of the boiler..." --3rd para, pg 142
I note in the margin: "Recipe for Chicken Stew"; it's surprisingly complete, and sounds delicious. My mother likes "stewy things".
"I hope when her eyes are closed she sees herself young, long-legged, and just beginning to live." --5th para, pg 143
I noted, "movie: After Life". And, I sobbed. This is what I wish for my mother. This is what I wish for me.
"Duped" --last para, pg 145
Noted in margin: "laughed". And I did. Out loud. Even at the end.
"I wonder what she or he will be like and why you never run into a funeral home cosmetologist." --3rd para, pg 147
I knew one. He came by the trade through family, although his father was a funeral director. I asked him, among many other questions, why he decided to study this aspect of mortuary science. He said because he's always believed that the quality of final touch is important to the individual dignity of each of the dead and he wanted to make sure as many people as possible were dignified in those final touchings.
I thought of him when, later to meeting him, a lover of mine died and I heard, first hand, about what needed to be done to his body in preparation for Visitation. I was fascinated, and grateful, for men like my acquaintance.
Noted in upper margin --pg 150
"My own experience of my mother's death may be affected by having read this; how???"
While redecorating her mother's now vacant add-on apartment: "I wish I had done that before but it wouldn't have been her room, it would have been mine." --7th para, pg 150
Mom and I have both been lucky in that this home was allowed to become both our homes, filled with familiar stuff belonging to both of us. She often "remembers" that we've had this house much longer than we have: Since before my father died in 1985. Mom insisted on buying it in 1997. I used to cringe when she'd say, "Do you remember why it was your dad bought this house?" Usually, a question like that means she's looking for an opportunity to express her dislike of something. One time, before answering (which answer, that she chose and bought it, always seems to stop her from trashing the house; I used to think this was because I distracted her from it), I asked her why she wanted to know.
To my astonishment, she said, in complete innocence, "I just wonder who I need to thank for finding this house."
Now that I know, I let the conversation play out all the way, especially since it traditionally ends with me saying, "See, you have yourself to thank for this little slice of heaven!"
She always beams. She loves knowing she's responsible for felicity.
"It must feel good to her. It feels good to me." --2nd para, pg 159
Good salute to the mutual pleasure of bathing, massaging, etc.
"I don't want her to feel alone." --10th para, pg 162
Funny, somehow I expect my mother, in her final moments, to pull inward, telling me she wants to "be left alone". I wonder if I will perceive something different when this woman, the beloved one here with me, dies.
"Although Daddy has been gone for nearly seventeen years, I've kept him alive. Talking about him is as easy as getting dressed each day." --2nd para, pg 173
I feel the same toward my father. I am learning to feel this way toward "our family", as well.
"I feel like I'm supposed to do something now, or be something that she was somehow keeping me from." --2nd para, pg 176
I don't think I'll suffer this. I've come through that gauntlet swinging.
"I hear Mother all the time and quote her daily." --5th para, pg 180
I do this now and didn't realize it until the woman who has become our shared barber told my mother, a month or so ago, "Your daughter really loves you! You're all she talks about! She's proud of you!"
Suddenly, I realized, Hey, that's true! And I was pleased that it's visible in polite, and impolite, society.
"Part V" --pg 165
I am especially grateful for this section. I often wonder what the part of the journey will be like when I will be getting used to journeying on alone. I'm not dreading it. I have an open curiosity about it. I sense mine will be different than Ms. O'Dell's, simply because of the heightened level of one-on-one involvement between my mother and me in which distractions are to a minimum, in contrast to Ms. O'Dell's life.
I am not afraid to look forward to that period, but I'm not looking forward to it, yet.
The book, by the way, has a bibliography, an appendix and a very helpful index. Maybe it's because I'm a fellow caregiver, but I didn't, as one cover blurb mentions, identify any "martyrdom", not even "a touch of..." it in the book.
I think this is being published at a critical time. I think it will have an impact, but what impact, I'm not sure. As I told Ms. O'Dell when I thanked her for permission to use direct quotes, "At the moment, since most of us [caregiving journalists] don't know much about others of us, our writing is surprisingly pure. For awhile, most of us think we're one of only a few. Then, the view widens and our view of our task becomes perplexingly complex. I am grateful for the narratives that float to the surface. I am grateful to you, Carol."
I stand by this.
Would I not have read the book but for the serendipitous circumstances surrounding it's entrance into my life? I probably would not have become aware of it. I'm glad I have. It's a good one, drenched in reality. I am pleased I own an autographed first edition. It honors me.
Added at 1813: I forgot to mention whether I'd recommend it. Yes, I would, especially to caregivers whose care recipients are in the waiting part of the "active dying phase" (because you'll have more time to read) and those who have relatives who are embracing the extended family's Ancient Ones into an already extended care household. I would also recommend it to those who have "enjoyed" (as, it is debatable how enjoyable these kinds of relationships are) contentious relationships with parents and are curious about what the future holds in regard to their already challenged feelings toward their parents becoming befuddled by intense needs caregiving for the parent. Ms. O'Dell is very forthcoming in what the challenges were to her relationship with her mother, how she thinks her mother achieved peace in regard to her own life and how Ms. O'Dell achieved peace in regard to her relationship with her mother.
As well, the light but firm touch regarding how the rest of the family adapted is intriguing, especially the parts in which family members begin to form unique, two-way relationships with a seemingly oblivious old woman. It's a good lesson for anyone who is concerned about how the introduction of an Ancient One is going to impact family.
There is a running issue throughout the book as well, rotating around O'Dell's mother exacting a childhood promise from her (only, adopted) daughter that O'Dell would take care of her in old age. I've often speculated that my mother looked to me when shopping for a family companion because I am single and, in addition "the single daughter". This is a position which is proudly hailed in my mother's ancestry, but of ambivalent distinction. Now, when I think about it, it is obvious that Mom thought that we'd be taking care of each other. She's right...but there's so much more. I can't remembering bristling when I first had this thought. But, by that time, I was long past any consideration of where her life ends and mine begins. The thing is, me being her (only) single daughter probably also has an effect on the closeness my mother and I have enjoyed throughout our lives, and, as well, the continually evolving dynamics of or relationship. I'm happy with this effect.
I have mixed-givings about the "My Daughter/Son's Wife, Whomever, Will Take Care of Me in My Old Age" school. I'm not sure I see this as an intractable problem. I think this would be less an issue if society recognized that this is a point of common law. I recently read that 80% of all elderly needing care are taken care of by family members. 80%! Yes, we need to be excited about the plight of elder care live-in facilities. We need to be even more excited about, and support in tangible ways, the 45 million caregivers already engaged. I hope this book raises awareness of what the rank-and-file are choosing over and above what society is planning to do with our elderly, with us, eventually.
